I am having a moment, so, let it happen. I have told you about my fight with growing up and part of that is because I forever strive to find perfection. I know, withhold judgment for the time being.
My worst fear is failure. It haunts me when I can’t make that last two minutes on the treadmill, when I am at work at 7 pm and can’t finish my last project, when I am not there for my sister when she may need me the most. Possibly I could blame this on my childhood, I was a middle child and you know how that turns out sometimes. Possibly I could blame this on my high school ski coaches. They fucked up a lot of us up. Possibly I could blame this on my innate personality, but that would mean blaming myself, which is never my first option.
In the end, I say throw it all away. Perfection is no fun (yes I say that now as I contemplate my outfit for tomorrow). But I do mean it. Although I try my damndest to not worry about perfection, it haunts me. I can’t be perfect, just not in me. I can be my best, which is pretty close, or so I like to believe.
Cyberboy (as I will refer to date I met while on the internet and am now dumping) made me see my imperfections, which are worth talking about. I usually keep my going away bag unpacked for at least a week after returning home. Some may consider it messy, but I believe I don’t like to let vacations go. I am a night owl and an early bird, I don’t need much sleep, which drives some people crazy, but I think they are crazy to waste a day. I’m a dreamer. Even when I am told something can’t be done, I believe there is some way to get there. Even if I do procrastinate along the way, another flaw. With Cyberboy I was cultured, clean, and driven. I do exhibit all those things, but I wouldn’t be myself without the rest.
And if I want to say “bitch” in a restaurant and people notice, I don’t want to feel as though I have to apologize.
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1 comment:
Perfection is HIGHLY overrated. Good ON YOU! (I am a middle child too, I understand!)
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